Angry Face

5 Things You Should Never Say To A Writer

There are people that I’m kinda, sorta forced to interact with who think this writing thing I’m doing is a phase. Or a way to “ride the gravy train” that my husband is providing. Usually I smile and wave and come home to the giant bottle of Fireball Whiskey in my freezer. Those are the days when I bypass a cup altogether and just slug that shit right from the bottle. It’s painful to write; to share your stories, to be rejected by agents, to wonder if your blog is readable or if you will ever have a published book. It’s painful without help from others who think it’s a fucking joke. So, I’ve compiled a list of things I think people should never say to a writer in the hopes that I can find humor in what can sometimes feel like a slap to my proverbial dick.

My answer is this, thanks for asking.

My answer is this, thanks for asking.

1. “Do you really think you can get published? I’ve known writers and it’s nearly impossible to get stuff published.”

This one makes me clench my jaw which in turn gives me a migraine which in turn makes me want to drink a case of beer and chase it with a bottle of Vicodin. Fuck no I don’t think I can get published. But does that mean I shouldn’t write? Does that mean I shouldn’t put myself out there and try?

2. “You write humor? Are you funny? Say something funny.”

Nope. I don’t think I’m funny. I think I’m a normal, neurotic, boring, talentless asshole. Thanks for asking.

3. “Don’t you have to live longer than 35 years to write a memoir?”

Not sure. I haven’t taken a survey of the average age of all memoir writers, but if it bothers you that much, feel free to ask around. Or don’t read my book until I’m 80.

4. “Are you making any money yet?”

This is like of asking a person why they don’t have kids or how much their mortgage is. It’s awkward and I’m not sure that it should matter to someone who doesn’t pay the bills at my house. When I ask you for a loan, feel free to ask about my income. Until then, perhaps you should be more worried about..I don’t know….YOUR OWN FUCKING FINANCIAL SITUATION.

5. “When will your book be done? You have been saying you are writing a book forever.”

If the forever you are talking about is equivalent to two years, then yes…it’s taking forever. Pay no mind to the fact that authors have spent decades writing one novel or that the editing process alone can take a year. Clearly I’m dragging my feet.

There you go.

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Wondering what it’s like to write shit everyday? Here’s a post called The Drawbacks of Writing Real Life Crap. 

 

 

10 thoughts on “5 Things You Should Never Say To A Writer

  1. Amy Sherman

    I. LOVE. THIS. SO. MUCH!

    1. You are an incredible writer. One that I look forward to reading anything you do write.

    2. Clearly you are fucking hilarious. This needs to go viral.

    3. You will be published. You will be writing until you are 80. And I hope to live long enough to suck it all in.

    4. Your inquiring and ignorant “people you know” are perfect fodder for this blog.

    5. I covet your talent. But what do I know? I worship David Sedaris and he’s just a writer too.

    1. Mandy Brasher

      One to Five includes my complete adoration for you and the fact that you read and comment frequently. David Sedaris is “only a writer” and thank God for that. It gives me hope that I can be “only a writer” and find success in that as well. As always, thank you. I am in gratitude of your comment, as always.

  2. Mindy

    I’m still learning how to use a smart phone. Can I sign up here for your news letter. You are becoming one of my favorite writers.

    1. Mandy Brasher

      I am happy to add you to my email list and thank you so much for the compliment. I’ll keep the words coming, you keep up the reading. :)

    1. Mandy Brasher

      Thank you so much. I can’t always be trusted to be cute, but I strive for truth. :)

  3. Jackie Yesm

    How brilliant of you to write a post to refer said brain dead folks to when they ask their questions. I have to agree with Amy, you are hilarious without even trying that is why your audience is growing! Always turn these inappropriate questions around and hand them back to their owners. Especially the questions about your money. Successful people don’t go there and the people that do are usually the type that haven’t taken step one towards their own dreams and stand around trying to shoot down everyone else’s. You know they will be lining up for a handout when your book becomes a best seller. You are an inspiration to me with your dogged determination to tackle every new thing that has been placed between you and your goals. Go girl! Just keep doing what you do. You will not only be a successful author, but an inspirational guide of “how to” set a goal and make it happen by listening to your own authentic inner voice.

    1. Mandy Brasher

      Remember all those chats we have had where I said “This is a crazy dream” and you said “You are awesome!”? That is what keeps me going. Thank you for that. Yesterday, today and tomorrow, I love your face, YESM. :)

  4. Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories)

    Ha! So funny and so true! # 4 slays me! Maybe from now on, I should turn the tables. Every time I meet someone and they say they’re an accountant or dentist or salesperson or IT tech, I’m going to put my hand gently on their arm, fix a concerned expression on my face, and say kindly, “Oh, do you make any money at that?”

    1. Mandy Brasher

      Please Do That!!! That deserves to be it’s own YouTube channel, you could call it Darcy Speaks. You could randomly pick people off the street or in your doctor’s office and just ask completely inappropriate questions. I would tune into that daily and watch every episode 400 times. Thank you for reading and commenting.

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