There are people that I’m kinda, sorta forced to interact with who think this writing thing I’m doing is a phase. Or a way to “ride the gravy train” that my husband is providing. Usually I smile and wave and come home to the giant bottle of Fireball Whiskey in my freezer. Those are the days when I bypass a cup altogether and just slug that shit right from the bottle. It’s painful to write; to share your stories, to be rejected by agents, to wonder if your blog is readable or if you will ever have a published book. It’s painful without help from others who think it’s a fucking joke. So, I’ve compiled a list of things I think people should never say to a writer in the hopes that I can find humor in what can sometimes feel like a slap to my proverbial dick.
1. “Do you really think you can get published? I’ve known writers and it’s nearly impossible to get stuff published.”
This one makes me clench my jaw which in turn gives me a migraine which in turn makes me want to drink a case of beer and chase it with a bottle of Vicodin. Fuck no I don’t think I can get published. But does that mean I shouldn’t write? Does that mean I shouldn’t put myself out there and try?
2. “You write humor? Are you funny? Say something funny.”
Nope. I don’t think I’m funny. I think I’m a normal, neurotic, boring, talentless asshole. Thanks for asking.
3. “Don’t you have to live longer than 35 years to write a memoir?”
Not sure. I haven’t taken a survey of the average age of all memoir writers, but if it bothers you that much, feel free to ask around. Or don’t read my book until I’m 80.
4. “Are you making any money yet?”
This is like of asking a person why they don’t have kids or how much their mortgage is. It’s awkward and I’m not sure that it should matter to someone who doesn’t pay the bills at my house. When I ask you for a loan, feel free to ask about my income. Until then, perhaps you should be more worried about..I don’t know….YOUR OWN FUCKING FINANCIAL SITUATION.
5. “When will your book be done? You have been saying you are writing a book forever.”
If the forever you are talking about is equivalent to two years, then yes…it’s taking forever. Pay no mind to the fact that authors have spent decades writing one novel or that the editing process alone can take a year. Clearly I’m dragging my feet.
There you go.
*If you haven’t checked out Hot Mess Writing, my new vlog series, please do. There is a nifty pic of me on the sidebar, that when clicked takes you directly to my YouTube Channel.
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*If you missed it, I was featured on allparenting.com this week in an article about marriage and chores. It’s a little ditty with a pic of me and the hubs. We look pretty cute, so check that out.
Wondering what it’s like to write shit everyday? Here’s a post called The Drawbacks of Writing Real Life Crap.