Once in a great while I will receive a text or an email from someone who reads this crap and it will say something like “You should write about _________.” Usually it’s a story they have read in the news or some celebrity bullshit (such as…Kim’s ass photo or Martha Stewart waxing prose on bloggers) and strangely, they want me to give my opinion about it. I usually say “Pass. I don’t like to be the 6 millionth person to talk about that.” Then I write about finding an age spot on my face because I’m obviously a real blogger extraordinaire. NOPE.
The most recent request came from a dear friend who has been a huge support in my life, writing and otherwise. Here is a snippet of our conversation for your viewing pleasure.
“Please tell me you are writing about 50 Shades. PLEASE.”
“First…I never read it. Because it was terribly written and I think it’s geared towards women who have bad sex all the time. Which I don’t.”
“I mean as a suburban housewife…who doesn’t want to get fucked in an elevator?”
“It’s only hot if you don’t have hot sex. And me…I never want to get fucked in an elevator. Never. Not even if I’m on fire. Never. Fucking never.”
So here we are. I’m at least three weeks late on posting a 50 Shades piece that is relevant in Internet terms because it isn’t trending anymore…people have moved on to the detriments of pickle juice and other important shit. Yet, I feel I must take my friends’ suggestion and give you my take on 50 Shades. Here’s how fucking popular this movie has become worldwide.
“While Fifty Shades didn’t have the greatest week here in America, it continues to succeed overseas: It was the number-one film internationally for the third week in a row. Estimates say it made $36 million in 59 territories over the weekend, bringing the international total to $338.4 million and the worldwide total to $486.2 million.”
That’s a lot of Starbucks coffee and yoga pants…maybe I should write a book about sex.
Why? Why are people, namely women, so intrigued by a book and movie about rough sex, S & M, and elevator bone sessions? This is my uneducated guess…women aren’t asking for or getting what they want in their own bedroom. There, I said it. I’m sure there is room for argument and I’m not saying that every single woman on the planet who read the book or saw the movie is completely unsatisfied sexually; I’m saying that the majority are. Whether it’s an issue of not wanting to have sex after a full day of parenting or whether women aren’t asking to be spanked or fucked really hard, I don’t know. Are the majority of women having regular orgasms with their partners? I’m going to go with…NO. And if you aren’t climaxing with your partner, if you aren’t saying out loud “I want you to bend me over and fuck me really hard tonight.”, then there must be some kind of pleasure in watching it happen to another person. Do you want to have that kind of sex? The kind of sex that Anastasia has in 50 Shades? Then here’s my tip…stop watching and start asking.
“But I can’t. I feel like a whore.” Are you charging your partner for your services? Then you aren’t a whore. You are a woman with needs and wants and you have every right to have pleasurable, intense, fantastic sex.
“My husband/partner/lover will be freaked out if I ask him to spank me or tie me up?” Maybe. But you won’t know unless you ask. I’m of the opinion that there is no harm in trying everything at least once. If you hate it, scream your safe word really loud (mine is pineapple) and move on to something that feels closer to you having a giant orgasm. Cause you should have a giant orgasm. Preferably every time.
“I’m a mom. I can’t just flip a switch and be a sex goddess.” No one said you had to. I’m a mom and I get fucked really well by my husband in all sorts of positions. Some from his request, some from mine. When we go into our bedroom and close the door, I’m his wife and his lover, no one’s mom. That works for me. I need to have clear boundaries regarding what hat I’m wearing at what time of the day, so I understand that maybe you do to. But you should wear the sex goddess hat, at least try it on.
Personally, I don’t think there is anything 7th circle of hell about reading or watching 50 Shades of Grey. I’ve watch soft core porn, I’ve looked at nude magazines, and once I even went to a male strip club in Vegas. (I don’t recommend that last one. Flaccid wieners on poles isn’t for everyone…or anyone, really.) What makes me sad about this whole 50 Shades revolution is that I think the reason it’s so popular has more to do with women having lackluster sex than it does with it being a really great story. We all get lost in books and movies, which is a great escape from real life, but when you are more excited for an actress to get it doggy style than you are to ask your partner for some doggy style, you may be missing out on exploring and enjoying your own sexuality. Add your $20 bucks to the millions that this movie has already made if you desire, but then do yourself a favor and create your own sexy, fulfilling, hot, rough, nasty sex in the comfort and safety of your bedroom.
Just don’t ask me to write about elevator sex…I don’t have it and I never will.