I’ve given up reading magazines. You can blame the internet, but really it’s just a few issues that i have with those glossy prints 1) people don’t look like that 2) even if I could afford that $3,000 scarf, I would never buy it 3) I don’t want your overpriced/under performing beauty products 4) articles titled “How to please your man in bed”. Currently I am subscribed to one magazine and only because I purchased it on a five year plan for around $1.87, so it’s not worth asking for a refund at this point. When it arrives in the mail I put it in the guest bathroom for a week, let my son urinate on it and then toss it in the recycle bin. Win. Here’s what I do miss….the homemade beauty products. Face masks made with olive oil and mayonnaise concoctions for your hair, I can really get behind that shit. Apparently, so can my 11 year old. She had been begging me to make a homemade face mask all week and since she has been on spring break, that means I have had to hear about it for approximately 18 hours a day for 5 days straight. After hauling ass around the city entertaining these two maniacs I call children, I finally settled in for some “be quiet for 5 minutes so mommy doesn’t cry” time. That lasted all of two minutes before she was bustin’ out the puppy dog eyes and telling me the ingredients for a face mask she really wanted to try. The journey began with bananas.
“I’m sorry, but I’m not putting mashed bananas on my face.” I had to put my foot down on that one. She found a few other recipes that included avocados, but you have to understand that if there is an avocado in my house, it cries out to be guacamole so there aren’t usually avocados in my house. Or guacamole. The honey recipes were a no go and not just because I had used all the honey in my coffee, but because my eyebrows don’t need any help coming off, thank you very much. She stumbled upon an oatmeal mask and it looked promising. We coerced Mr. 7 to get involved and decked him out in a head band with the promise of cucumbers to put on his eyeballs. It was very exciting in our kitchen, but problems arose quickly.
The recipe asked for 1/2 cup cooked oatmeal and since I prefer to eyeball my oatmeal preparation, I poured in some oatmeal and some water and nuked it for a couple minutes. Wha la!! An entire Pyrex bowl full of piping hot oatmeal. If we had added the two eggs at this point we would have had some scramby egg oatmeal yumminess, but we didn’t want that. In all my brilliance (nope) I suggested that we add a few ice cubes, cool that shit down and then add the eggs. The consistency went from bad to worse and we still had to add some oil, so I wasn’t hopeful. “If you want this to stay on your face, you can’t stand up. Maybe if you lie flat on the tile floor it will work.” I always have the best (worst) ideas. We foraged pillows from the living room and set up Idiot Spa on the kitchen floor where the kids proceeded to lie flat on their backs as I smeared oatmeal/egg/oil solution all over their sweet little mugs. We all laughed hysterically as it dripped down their faces, became lodged in their noses and clogged their tear ducts. I sliced a half rotten cucumber and slapped it on their eyes only moments before I began snapping pictures with my phone in hopes of posting them all over the internet. “Mom, you better not be taking pictures of me like this or I will freak out.” Never mind on the photo collage then. Without warning, I began slathering this shit all over my face. I was caught up in the laughter and the feeling that I would never have a real spa facial anyway, so why not pamper myself now with a cat vomit mixture straight from my kitchen? It dripped off my chin and between my boobs, there was oatmeal stuck in my hair and under my fingernails. We had done it!!! We had created a real spa day right in our kitchen for less than the cost of a Happy Meal.
Once the cleanup was over and we had cleared off our faces, we checked each other out for that youthful glow. “Wow, Mom. It really made your face look good.” And that pretty much made up for the fact that my kitchen floor is currently covered in dried oatmeal.