Resolutions are fine and I’ll probably make a few I won’t keep…like exercising more or learning Swahili. I’m more interested in what I’m going to continue not doing this year. I’m on board with being a better person next year, but I’m going to throw out a prediction that will blow your mind…I’ll probably be pretty much the same person I am right now one year from today. With a few more wrinkles and a lot more leggings. So pour some champagne and watch balls drop and let’s make lists of shit we will continue to not do.
- Sell MLM shit. I know those wraps have changed your life; you claim to be bringing home 5 grand a month and your husband was able to quit his lucrative job to help you schlep these green pieces of fabric that people tie around their waists, but I still don’t want to “get in on the ground floor”. I know I’m missing a great opportunity to sell shitty products to everyone I’m related to and force my friends to block me on every social media outlet because I won’t shut my fucking trap about some weight loss pill but I’m willing to take the risk. I’m just saying no to multilevel marketing schemes…the belly wraps and green pills and magic mascara and 700 dollar casserole dishes. Just no.
- Buy or wear Uggs. My 13-year-old has continued (for three months now) to label me as “basic” and after many Google searches I’ve learned a lot about being a basic bitch. Did you know they have basic bitch parties? Like 80’s parties except you dress like a basic bitch instead of a slutty Bon Jovi fan. The basic bitch outfit includes a flannel shirt, a large scarf, leggings, Uggs, and a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I can get behind every part of that outfit minus the Uggs. Uggs are overpriced dead baby sheep that look as obnoxious on your feet as those Crocs you insist on wearing all summer. I’m a solid no on this one.
- Drinking green shakes. We own a Nutribullet and I like kale, but I’m not committing to green shakes this year. I’m really concerned that once I venture to the dark side of green shakes there would be no stopping me from running five miles a day, wearing a puffy LL Bean jacket, and saying things like “I’m going to grab my reusable grocery bags so we can make a trip to Whole Foods this afternoon.” It’s bad enough that I’m a basic bitch, with the green shakes in my life I would end up being a hipster and that’s just a slippery slope toward a beard and a man bun.
- Watching The Bachelor, American Idol, or any other over-hyped, fake as shit reality show. Not partaking in The Bachelor makes it difficult for me to leave my house or have conversations with nearly any female on the planet from January well into July. “OMG, did you see The Bachelor last night?” No. Because I’m married and I have absolutely no vested interest in ridiculously attractive people going on overpriced dates and then back stabbing one another in the process of racing toward marital bliss. Which isn’t a thing, in case they were wondering. Last year of American Idol? It’s about motherfucking time. The only redeeming part of that show is watching people who have more self-esteem in their baby toenail than I have in my whole body belt out a Celine Dion song that sounds like a dying cat. I could watch that all day long. I’ll continue to hate fake reality shows this year and I hope the Bachelor marries the raunchiest bitch who ever walked upright and they both end up on Snapped after his body is found simmering in a Rubbermaid container full of acid. (Yes, I’m a horrible person.)
- Going on any diet, of any kind, for even one second. I’ve played out the dieting game. When I was a teenager, I had a fondness for Dexatrim and not eating. That’s just one of many diets I’ve tried and failed. After the birth of my kids I was heavier than I had been in my life, but I knew diets never ended well for me. So I did what I knew I could do…I walked, gave up eating fast food, and stopped drinking soda. That’s not a diet, that’s just common sense. I’m sticking with that common sense plan and steering clear of the Atkins diet, the Paleo diet, the all fat diet, the no fat diet, the Subway diet (only pervs do that one), and especially the pills combined with empty promises diet. That one is a soul killer. Read this great piece by Anne Lamott about the New Year’s dieting ritual…it’s good eats.
I hope you welcome in the New Year with a bunch of shit you just aren’t going to do and maybe a few things that you would like to try. I’ll be over here in the corner avoiding conversations about reality TV and sucking on a cheese ball.