Have A Banana…

Riddle me this? How can a grown up being trained for eight hours a day not catch on to ringing up a coffee or writing on a cup? Even customer service is out of the norm for these people. My question? What the fuck have you been doing for money for the last 5-10 years of your life? Are you a trust fund baby or just an idiot who cannot be trained? You do realize even monkeys can be trained to do harder jobs then serving coffee…and they are monkeys. There is a no part of me that has compassion after three weeks of training and you are asking me how to mark a Vanilla Latte or how to brew coffee. In my mind I am saying ” Look kid..we tried, but having a wall here would be easier than having you here because at least I can move around a wall and get my fucking job done.”
No one babied me at any job I ever had…I got my fucking guts ripped out numerous times. I cried, got lectured, worked for no fucking money (yes, I know I still do. Thanks Mr. Obvious) and came out with a work ethic that puts your mom to shame.
So a little word to you immature, lazy, inconsiderate, rude, late, out of dress code, monkeys…..when you bring your A game..I will lay off the intimidation stunts…but until then get use to my stink eye. Cause baby…I will watch you quit before I wipe it off my face.
Judgementaly Yours, Me

How about I Charge You For Pissing Me Off?

I knew there was a more than one reason I don’t shop at Toys R Us on a regular basis…I used to think it was just the because everything is overpriced. No, I realize now that there are a few reasons to steer clear of this childhood hoarding opportunity.
Reason 1: I was only there for 45 minutes and encountered more employees than customers. Oh..so thats why your toys cost 40% more. When you have enough time to have a pow wow in the Playdough aisle, you may be a little overstaffed.
Reason 2: Did not see posted on price of bike “Price listed here is no where close to what you will pay at the register”. Apparently they can charge you 10 bucks extra to put the bike together…even when they really don’t put it together. They give you the floor model and laugh all the way to the bank. Bastards.
Reason 3: There is no such thing as a quick trip into Toys R Us with children. It’s as overwhelming to their senses as Forever 21 is to mine. Where to start? What to grab? How long to cry to get what I want? Then just wander aimlessly for two hours and not know how to spend my small gank of cash.
Once a year I get to remember why I avoid this place at all costs….because, friends, the cost is pretty fucking high.

Things To Ponder On Mother’s Day…

I had to laugh out loud yesterday when I heard my daughter and her friend talking in the other room. The prequel to this story is that I had worked until midnight the night before, went grocery shopping after, got to bed at 2 am and crawled out of bed the next morning at 6:30 am to run my first 5K. So as I am resting on the couch that afternoon I hear my daughter say “Yeah, I don’t know, my mom is just laying on the couch today” Her friend says ” Yeah that’s what moms do all the time..they take lots of naps” Ha ha ha ha…the hell we do. Frankly, I am concerned for moms that don’t ever lay on the couch and rest. Even once. My mom and grandma were like that…I don’t remember my grandma even sitting down let alone resting at any point in her life. I am pretty sure looking back that she was superhuman in every way…. so that standard is completely unreachable. The only “naps” my mom took were with my dad on Sunday afternoon with the door locked. I don’t think there was a lot of sleep involved.
I remember my mom saying “When your kids are young, you just don’t nap. You need to keep your eyes on them at all times” And she did. I give her props cause she was with us or watching us all the time. I am a different mom and have just recently come to accept this. I sit and read the paper for an hour in the morning….I fall asleep on the couch while the kids play in the backyard….I sleep through movie night and I am a great mom. So here’s to all the moms out there who nap….kids need happy, well rested mommys and sometimes napping through Spongebob is how we make it through a day of laughing, playing, holding and teaching. Happy Mama’s Day.