Dollar Bills Ya’ll

After a rather unsatifying day of mopping, cleaning mats and doing dishes I was day dreaming about what I would do with a gank of cash in my hand…not millions. Let’s say $400, 000….let the spending begin….
1. The obvious…quit job…but not just basic two week notice. Get like an hour into work then just drop everything, grab my shit and yell on the way out “I quit, later bitches”.
2. Pimp out mini van. Why the fuck would I buy a new one…this one is tits (and paid off). I am talking some sweet rims…a nice system that could wake the neighbors….upgrade the DVD…throw some dice in the mirror.
3. Go to snooty, upscale store and try on a million things…make sales lady really work for it. Buy nothing. Go to Target and buy everything.
4. Send mom flowers, chocolate covered strawberries, and the biggest Thank You card ever made.
5.Take kids to Toys R Us and say “You each must fill up a cart with everything you have ever wanted”. Buy it all and send it to Grandmas’ house.
6. Buy husband floor seats to the Jazz. For the whole season.
7. Save the rest for a rainy day.
8.Call old job and apologize for sudden outburst…must have been new medication. I’ll be in tomorrow.

Why would you do that to your own child? Or yourself.

Can we please talk about people who find it perfectly acceptable to give thier young children rat tails? (Definition: Short hair cut with one very long chunk of hair at the nape of the neck) I understand that you had a boy and not a girl and that maybe he has really great locks. But no one has been an awful enough kid to have to look like white trash at four years old. Also please stop the epidemic of mullets now before its too late. I regularly see men and women in this decade sporting a style that went out with Oglvie home perms. It is not attractive…even on you. The truth is you will never be as young and cool as you were when you drove that T-Bird, rocked out to Def Leppard and dated high school girls. Cut that fucking mullet and get on with your life. Please.

Double Whopper…and not the juicy burger

Two stories for one low price today. Event one: While repeating order back to customer I say “Okay so that’s one tall ass white….I mean tall iced white mocha”. Luckily we all laughed and no one had to meet with their bishop over it. Event Two: “Welcome to ———, what can I get for you today?” “Yeah can I get three chocolate kids?”. Ummm we actually just ran out of chocolate kids, but if you are interested in some vanilla or cinnamon kids I could set that up for you. It’s amazing how mixing up a few words can really make you sound like a creep.

No children were harmed nor sold to creeps in this story.