September is a sad and exciting time of year for me. The sadness comes from realizing that very soon I will need a coat and insulated snow boots just to open my front door and the exciting part is everything fall. Pumpkin yumminess, layering (which I’m terrible at and always look like vagabond), changing leaves and birthdays. My birthday in particular. I’ll miss the many hours of daylight, but I won’t miss hearing phrases like “When are we going to the pool?” or “I’m so bored and hot and really bored.” I learned a lot this summer and feel compelled to share some of those lessons with you in a numbered list. Because we all like numbers and we all love lists.
1. When it comes to kids, having WiFi is as important as having air to breath. Apparently. During our family lake trip we had some connection issues with the WiFi. This was, for my children, the equivalent of having your toenails ripped off and lemon juice poured in your eyeballs. It seems that an indoor pool, a DVD player, and a lake just aren’t as important as hitting the next level on whatever stupid ass game you downloaded on the car ride to aforementioned lake.
2. Bucket lists will seem like a good idea in May and will never seem that way again. When my kids weren’t being entertained, hugged, fed or driven somewhere, they were perusing those fucking bucket lists and reminding me of my failure as a parent. “But we haven’t even gone to a national park yet.” or “All I wanted to do was have a beach party with 30 friends and one of those giant blow up slides. That’s all I wanted. “ Which is just what any mom needs to hear on a scorching July afternoon when there isn’t one single solitary beer left in the fridge.
3. Feeling like a fun parent will last about as long as the flavor from a piece of Juicy Fruit gum. You took your kids bowling, picked up a few books at the library and had a picnic. On the drive home you think, “I’m kind of a fun mom and that makes me happy.” But before you get the garage door open those monsters in the back seat want to know what’s on the docket for tonight. Drive-in movie, bike ride to the lake or fireworks? Your plan was to hide on the deck with a beer and apparently that sounds fun to no one. Except you.
4. Being able to work from home in the summer is…well….it’s just a straight up fucking joke. No one within a five mile radius gives two shits about what you are doing until you start working. You could be dusting the TV they are watching or vacuuming their hair and not one of them will make a peep. But pull out a laptop and attempt to check a few emails or start on an article and all hell breaks loose. Every human and animal in your home is suddenly hungry, bored, coughing, peeing, crying or in need of immediate medical attention.
5. You will feed the neighborhood and the neighborhood will feed your child. The hours pass, the pantry gets raided and suddenly you realize that the $400 you spent at Costco yesterday has been eaten in one afternoon. In other news, your kids are at a their friend’s house all day and you begin to wonder when the last time you fed them was. This morning? Did we have lunch? Are they panhandling on the corner for a hamburger? No. They are eating loaf after loaf of bread at your neighbor’s kitchen table and you will only realize this fact when they return home with an invoice listing all the groceries they gorged themselves on. Since you aren’t working, you will be unable to pay said invoice.
6. You will think you are broke, but you won’t realize what broke is until you start school shopping. There have been pool passes, bowling passes and $5 snow cones for the last three months. You’ve maxed out your credit card on movie popcorn and dump trucks full of Popsicles. Breath easy, Mama Bear, those kids are headed back to school soon. Wait..what? They need $200 worth of clothes, $100 dollars worth of paper products and lunch money for the next nine months? Thank goodness you have that 401K. And that you really never wanted to retire before the age of 93 anyway.
What did you learn this summer? Please don’t make me feel bad by saying something like “I learned how awesome it was to teach my kids Portuguese.”
Speaking of bucket lists, here is my post about my bucket list. Which is just one more list of items that I can feel bad about not accomplishing this summer.